My Chemical Heart
by WhoserLoser
Summary: **Spoilers for Star Trek Into Darkness** ((Spirk Fanfiction! AUish)) "All I can do is sit on my bed, as if I am frozen to the spot. I stare at the blank, white wall as if it had the answer to all my problems. My eyes sting with tears, but I blink them back. They wont fall. I wont let them fall. He wouldn't want people to mourn over him."


**Note- I actually did this for an English assignment. My teacher loved it. Although...he didn't know it was a Spirk Fanfiction. In a way, I made him ship Spirk. Anyways...this is kind of like an AU for 'Star Trek Into Darkness'. So it's in Spock's POV. It's how he would basically feel if Kirk was never brought back to life. If Kirk stayed dead. I think Spock would have been crushed; devastated. (Also, italics are memories ;) )**

All I can do is sit on my bed, as if I am frozen to the spot. I stare at the blank, white wall as if it had the answers to all my problems. My eyes sting with tears, but I blink them back. They wont fall. I cant let them fall. He wouldn't want people to mourn over him.

I hear the door open, but still keep my eyes on the wall. I don't want to talk to anyone. It is all still so fresh, and I still feel numb. Nothing else seems to matter now that _he's _gone.

I can hear voices, but the words they are saying don't register in my mind. It all seems like random mumbles. I stay silent, but I can tell they aren't giving up.

"Jim..."

I hear his name, and that's all it takes. Memories come flooding back, and I feel myself leave the real world.

_The first time we met is still fresh in my mind, although it was a few years ago. I'm back at the academy where everything started. I watched as students buzzed through the rather large hallways. I had to stop for a minute after I had dropped one of my books. That was when I saw him. Even in the crowded halls, through all the other students, my chocolate brown eyes met his bright blue eyes. In that moment, I knew he was different. He wasn't going to be just another face to me. I knew he would change my life. He did. _

Leonard is now stading in front of me, pity in his eyes. I don't want that. I swallow the lump in my throat, shaking my head. I mumble a small, useless apology and tell them I'm fine. But they know I'm not. I don't even know how long it has been since-

"You have to stop doing this to yourself." Leonard says to me, making me tear my eyes away from the wall finally. His voice is sharp and demanding, different than his usual self. I look up at him, no emotions on my face. None in my eyes either, but that was nothing new. I know they can see right through my mask. They can read my emotions, even as I try to hide them.

"I know what you're going through. We all do," Leonard continues, sitting down on the bed beside me. It shifts slightly at the new weight, creaking under him. My eyes follow his movements, but I stay silent.

But they don't, I think to myself. They don't understand. It is more to me than just losing a best friend. He was so much more to me than a best friend. I just didn't realize it until it was too late.

"We all miss him." This time it's Scotty talking, his Scottish accent thick. I turn my eyes toward him, seeing the same pity in his eyes. His face softens as our eyes meet, and I know he could see the pain behind my mask. "But you haven't eaten in days. We're beginning to worry. What would Jim say if..."

Scotty's voice trails off in my mind. His name being said again makes my heart ache and my head is full of even more memories.

_He and I used to play chess all the time. This one particular time it was after a fight we had just had during our shift -we even worked together, having the same shifts- and we were both still fuming. I tried to hide it, not one for being too emotional in any way. But he invited me back to his room to talk, both of us needing to apologize to each other. I felt pretty guilty, considering I had said some harsh words toward the other. I had even involved his family, knowing I had crossed the line. We ended up patching things up quickly, never able to stay too mad at each other for long. Once we made up, our usual game of chess was resumed. I won again. No surprise there. We stayed in our room, just chatting for a bit longer. His laughter filled the room after I had made a witty comment, sounding like music to my ears._

That memory is over too soon and I'm brought back to the present time, surprising even myself as I sniffle quietly. I hate getting emotional, but when it comes to him, I cant help it. The others in the room also give me a few shocked expressions, but I ignore them.

The others in the room realize that I'm ignoring them again. I hear a sad sigh, but I don't look up to see who it is. At this point, I don't even care anymore.

I can hear them talking to me, but their words are just mumbles again. They don't register in my mind yet again, considering I'm too focused on all the memories in my mind. I take my eyes off of Scotty, just now realizing I was staring at him, and I go back to gazing at the same spot on the wall.

The bed shifts again as Leonard gets up. From the corner of my eye, I see them head towards the door, giving up for today. I can hear the faint goodbyes from them, but I don't look away from the wall to acknowledge them.

I know they're all worried about me, but I just don't seem to care. None of this matters to me. I'm not taking proper care of myself. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I don't even go to work anymore. I cant go to work. His presence is everywhere, even when he is gone.

I finally take my eyes off the wall, only to have them land on a picture of the two of us. We're standing side by side, his arm around my shoulders. He was always so touchy feely, bit I didn't care. He had his usual bright smile spread across his face.

My throat seems so much smaller as I choke on my tears. I feel so much regret now. I love him. I love him so much...and I never got to tell him.

"Why? Why did you leave me Jim?" I hear myself choke out between the sobs that shake my body. The tears cascade down my cheeks, my emotions finally getting the better of me. There was his name again.

Another flashback is triggered by his name, and I am brought back to his final moments, only making my tears increase.

_ran to the room he was in, forcing my legs to go as fast as they could carry me. I needed to get to him, even if I could do nothing to help him. I skidded to a stop right by Scotty, who shook his head sadly. I knew it was over. For both of us. I walked past Scotty, and over to Jim, my heart dropping as I saw him. He looked quite pale as his small, slender form shook roughly. I felt so helpless, separated from him by a piece of glass. There was nothing I could do as I watched him breathe in and out just barely. He looked up at me, and our eyes connected just like they did the first time we met. Except this time his bright blue eyes were dimmer, and were full of painful tears. My own eyes had tears of sadness, for I knew what was next._

**So. R&amp;R please. Let me know if it's good? I guess? Thank you! **


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